


Not so Accidental Baby Acquisition

by esama



Category: Final Fantasy VII
Genre: Accidental Baby Acquisition, Alternate Universe, BAMF Cloud Strife, Crack, OOC Cloud Strife, kind of
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-05-20
Updated: 2017-05-22
Packaged: 2018-11-02 20:09:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 11,947
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10951824
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/esama/pseuds/esama
Summary: In which Hojo makes Sephiroth's baby in a lab and somehow Cloud is there for the fallout.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Unbetaed,

Cloud is minding his own business when the shouting starts. Here he is, just having a drink after a boring day of monster patrol in the Slums, waiting on one of his squad mates who'd gotten his arm broken and had to get it fixed, and then, pandemonium in the labs.

"You're insane!" a voice, vaguely familiar, shouts over the sound of something that is probably very valuable and very full of glass phials, crashing to the floor. The sound of broken glass is overwhelming for a moment, but not enough to drown out the shouting. "I'm not having anything to do with this, this is not my problem and you're insane if you think for one moment I will –"

"Now, now!" another voice, not exactly more reasonable because it too is shouting at top of the man's lungs, shouts. This voice is, sadly, far more familiar to Cloud, because it haunts his nightmares and regret filled day dreams regularly. Professor "Your Receptiveness to Mako is _troubling_ " Hojo. "Stop acting like a child and for once in your life take responsibility –"

"Responsibility! For something you've done!" the first voice shouts back. "No, I am done with this, I am done with all of this, and you can take your fucking experiment and shove it up your ass!"

A nurse runs past Cloud and his squad, looking pale and wide eyed – she's running from the labs, trying to desperately look like she has some important work to do as she fiddles with a writing pad, but really, she's just fleeing.

Another nurse follows soon after, this one not even bothering to try and look like he's got something to do, he's just running, fast, away from the labs.

"This is not merely an experiment, this is a safeguard for the future, this is ensuring the passing on of valuable traits, this is –!"

"This is absolutely lunacy and I will not be subjected to any piece of it –"

"This is important, Sephiroth!"

Cloud blinks at that last one, sitting up a bit straighter. His squad does the same around him, going from mildly interested and mostly tired to fully alert and very nervous. Sephiroth – ah, so that's where he knows the voice. From the broad casts and the motivational speeches and whatnot. The man's voice lacks the reverberation they tend to add to the broadcasts – which, Cloud has no idea why they do that, it's not as if the man's voice isn't deep and impressive enough as it is, but whatever.

He's never neither seen nor heard Sephiroth in person, but he's heard about him, what he is like, in person. Terrifying is a word that tends to come up with a lot. And not fond of laboratories, from what he's heard. Seems about right, judging by the sound of all of this.

"No," Sephiroth says, at top volume judging by the sound of it. "You hear me, professor – no. Absolutely not. This is your mess and not my problem, and I will have nothing to do with it."

"Sit down, Sephiroth, and listen to me," Hojo answers.

"No," Sephiroth says, very firm, very low, kind of terrifying. "No."

There is a moment of silence which, even at a distance, feels charged and full of danger. Cloud looks down at the drink in his hand and then looks at his squad mates, who are throwing glances between the door leading to the labs and the one leading away from them – away and to safety. Then, Hojo makes the choice for them.

"Guards!" he shouts.

Cloud is suddenly surrounded by trooper shaped dust clouds as everyone else in his squad just flat out runs away. He almost, bizarrely, feels proud of them. That's the sort of survival instincts he's never seen them exhibit, certainly not on the field where they tend to rush in without plan or fore thought and often get themselves beaten black and blue. Now, the danger signals have reached their lizard hind brains, it seems. It's almost beautiful.

Then it dawns on him that not only is he the last trooper standing in the waiting hall – and the labs don't actually have guards as far as he knows, not living ones anyway, just robots – but he is actually the only one remaining in the waiting hall, period. Probably the only one left remaining in the entire laboratory wing, at this point.

"Guards!" Hojo wails, and only Cloud is there hear.

Well... Crap.

Cloud drains his drink through the straw and then gets up slowly. Maybe if he is very quiet, he can sneak to the elevators and not have anything to do with this...

"You, there!" Hojo snaps, now at the doorway, looking at Cloud. "Come here."

Cloud winces and almost points at himself in a _oh-who-me?_ fashion, but manages to hold himself back. The professor glares at him and for a moment Cloud sees his life flashing through his eyes – such a short life, so sad, absolute tragedy. Then he resigns himself to his fate and stands up.

He goes to the laboratory door and then looks in, probably looking even meeker than he feels – and he feels very meek indeed. Sephiroth stands in the middle of what looks like ground zero of a explosion – there are several racks of sample phials all around him, fallen to the floor, their contents spilled and shattered on the white floor tiles. He looks.... not much like he does in the posters, Cloud thinks absurdly. The man doesn't look aloof or responsible or respectable – he looks pissed, just pissed.

"Restrain him," Hojo orders Cloud and points at Sephiroth

"Er," Cloud answers, looking at Sephiroth, who has at least foot of height to him and probably about hundred pounds of muscle. If not more.

Sephiroth looks at him, looks him up and down, and Cloud wishes he could've at least prompted amusement from the man – but no, he just looks irritated at the sight of him. Wonderful first impression to make on a war hero and a general and idol – and, ahem, other things that Cloud really, really should not be thinking right now because oh god he is going to die.

"This is your mess," Sephiroth says, turning to Hojo, pointing a gloved finger at him. Sephiroth points, Cloud thinks hysterically. He's a pointer.

"It's not a mess, it's a success!" Hojo answers, frustrated, and waves a hand at a – a – crib? "A first artificially matured foetus in human history – you should be proud of your contributions to science!"

Sephiroth makes a sound Cloud will probably hear in his dreams, one day – if he survives that is. A strangled sound of frustrated impatience – it sounds... way too sexy in his voice. Oh god.

Cloud thinks he might be having a panic attack. And there is a crib in the lab of ShinRa's worst, most terrifying scientist, a weird high tech bubble of a crib with key pads and screens and a – a living baby, lying almost deathly still inside it. A baby with a little tuft of silver hair.

What.

"My contributions to science," the man snarls. "My unwilling, non-consenting contributions. Oh yes, I am very proud."

"As you should be," Hojo says firmly. "Now, I've arranged everything for you, you will get a leave from –"

Sephiroth's eyebrow takes a very cold, very sarcastic tilt.

"- your duties," Hojo braves on because he's a terrible and very brave man. "You will get bigger accommodations, the works, it's all even arranged. You will form a bond with the child, I expect it will include some level of telepathy –"

And that's when Sephiroth walks out.

He just turns, and walks out.

Hojo sputters and then draws a breath. "Boy, get back in here!" he yells, and Cloud almost laughs because, holy hell, someone just called Sephiroth _boy_.

Sephiroth – who is very much not a boy – doesn't come back.

"Tch!" Hojo snarls after him and then looks around himself, at the half destroyed lab, at the crib – and then at Cloud. He looks almost irritated to see him and Cloud quickly inches back. "Right, if you don't need me, professor Hojo, I'll just be –"

'"Stay where you are, trooper," The scientist says impatiently and turns to the crib. Cloud watches, shifting his weight awkwardly from one foot to another and wondering what sort of punishment he might get if he just runs away from all of this and hides somewhere for a bit. Hojo wasn't exactly known for remembering people's names, he probably wasn't that good with faces either, so, he'd probably forget Cloud in no time. And he obviously has more important things to be worried about and –

 And then the crib is open, and the baby starts to cry.

It's a terrible, terrible sound – not even high pitched, but breathless and broken, gut wrenching _cries_ that rattle in the baby's little throat, wails of sheer discomfort and pain and – and –

Cloud stands there, blinking and staring at the wailing baby as Hojo lifts it up, not even supporting its head or anything, and turns to him. "Come here," the professor orders, but Cloud is already moving because there is a terrible tone to the baby's wailing and obviously the way Hojo is holding it, like it's a rag doll, is not helping.

Moment later Cloud is holding the baby. He's not entirely sure how he got there, did he just grab the baby from Hojo's hands and steal it like some sort of crazy person, but there he is, holding a baby. A silver haired baby, which is wailing against his armour and –

While Hojo turns to putter around with something, Cloud supports the baby one armed against his chest and then unclasps his armour, letting the chest plate clatter to the floor. It doesn't help the wailing one bit, but the fabric of his uniform is probably softer and little less cold than the armour so that's... better.

"Here," Hojo says, turning back to him, handing him something – a piece of paper. It looks important and technical and Cloud stares at it, a little wide eyed now as his position dawns on him slowly and irreversibly. "Take this, and the child, to Sephiroth and do not let him refuse. Now get out of here."

"Er," Cloud answers.

"Get out!" Hojo snaps.

Cloud turns and gets out.

* * *

 

The paper Hojo gave him was immediate transfer orders – or rather the Missing Personnel Order. Cloud has never seen a live one in his life, but low resolution photographs of them tend to go around in the Infantry time to time – they're the papers Turks get to wave around when ever they come around to _disappear_ a person. And sure, sometimes there are rumours about the orders meaning that you've been recruited into SOLDIER – but let's be real here. SOLDIER doesn't recruit.

Cloud stares at the paper for a long confused while, even as his body automatically begins to rock from side to side to try and soothe the still wailing child. People are staring at him wide eyed and keeping their distance, and it takes him a while to realise that he's standing in the reception hall of the laboratories like an idiot. Idiot with a baby.

The baby of SOLDIER 1st Class, Sephiroth, General and Demon of Wutai.

Cloud frowns at the paper – which, if he understands it at all which he might not, has transferred him the service of whoever signs the paper. Then he looks at the baby in his arms. It's naked, wailing like fire alarm, and probably cold. Then he looks up, at the wide eyed troopers – some of whom are from his squad and lab technicians and nurses and whatnot, who are hugging the walls as if he's holding a high explosive, rather than an infant.

"You," Cloud says, turning to the woman standing behind the counter. "I need a sheet."

Cloud gets a sheet – he gets it with a speed that borders on super human. He thanks the woman, setting the transfer paper onto her counter for a moment, and then goes about wrapping the baby up in the sheet, bundling it up as gently as he can and wondering about his life and possible soon to be death. Because it's Sephiroth's baby.

He has Sephiroth's baby.

Which Sephiroth doesn't want.

And which he is now supposed to take _to_ Sephiroth, and not take a no for an answer.

"I am a dead man," Cloud tells the woman behind the counter as he holds the freshly bundled up infant to his chest.

She looks at him, wide eyed. Then she looks at the baby, wide eyed. And then she nods. "Yes, you are."

Comforting.

Sighing Cloud takes the transfer paper again and tucks it under his arm. "You've been lovely, thanks," he says and then, much to the relief of everyone around, he leaves. The sigh they let out at his wake is almost a physical force.

Cloud steels himself, and goes for the elevators. It's a little funny how, less than half an hour ago, it would've made his day, his week, his whole _life_ to have a reasonable cause to go to the SOLDIER levels. Now that he punches in the number for the floor, it feels a bit more like walking to the gallows. He can already hear his funeral march.

Though chances are he wouldn't get a funeral march. He'd become a smear on the floor once Sephiroth was done with him, and it would be very sad, just like his sort and miserable life.

Cloud steps into the elevator and then looks down at the baby. It's still grumbling in distress but the wails have been somewhat muffled by the sheet it is wrapped in. Idly he wonders how old it is – and how exactly did you grow a baby artificially. It has hair, and can open its eyes and everything – it has green eyes, just like Sephiroth, and that is...

Cloud blinks and moves the white fabric aside, staring at the baby.

The baby whines and wrings out one clumsy hand, tiny fingers scraping against the cotton, little nails catching on the minute imperfections in the fabric. It lets out a little "aanh," sound, opening it's little mouth open, chubby little cheeks stretching and toothless gums gleaming wet in the stark lights of the elevator and –

Oh good god.

It's cute.

Cloud lets out a sound of objection. But no, it's too late. The living incendiary device is cute now. It is utterly unbearably adorable. It's tiny in his arms – and that's saying a lot because his arms aren't exactly big. Under the fabric he can feel little legs writhing and kicking and its hand is incredibly small as it grips the cotton sheet with its little fingers and oh no, oh god no.

The elevator dings as it opens and Cloud doesn't even hear.

He is too busy falling utterly, helplessly in love.

... with General Sephiroth SOLDIER 1st Class' baby.

* * *

 

Cloud goes up and down in the elevator about three times before the baby falls asleep in his arms and he comes back to the hard, cold reality of metal walls and fluorescent lights and human experimentation.

He recalls vaguely that there'd been SOLDIERs around him, going up and down in the elevator and probably giving him strange looks, while he'd just been staring at the infant like a complete fool, but – well – it's all too late now. He can't even muster the _attempt_ of feeling embarrassed.

He is altogether too doomed to even care.

Taking a deep breath, Cloud looks at the screen on the elevator button array to see where he is – SUB LEVEL 12, which is weird, he didn't even know ShinRa HQ had basement levels under the garage. Well, whatever, he thinks and punches in the SOLDIER floor number again, steeling himself for the inevitable.

He would have to face Sephiroth and... And he's not entirely sure what follows that and, but it would have to be something. He can't die now – he has a baby and the baby is now his and he will not let the baby go because he is in love with the baby and the baby is his now. He would die to keep it.

He probably will die and not keep it, but no matter. That was just how it would have to be. He's doomed now, and he'd go down with his cute silver haired doom of adorable doom.

Pity he will never get the chance tell his mother she's become a grandmother. Well, probably just as well – it would be just cruel to give her the good news just before she got word of his sudden tragic and probably "completely accidental" death at the hands of ShinRa Elite SOLDIER.

The elevator dings and Cloud steps out. He's a little surprised to find himself in a cafeteria of all places – but of course it just makes sense that SOLDIER would have their own private cafeteria. They are the cream of their crop after all – no sense for them to mingle with the peasants down below.

"Hey, it's the baby guy," someone in the cafeteria says, a black haired guy who is grinning at him widely. "Finally came to huh? Sure you're in the right level?"

Cloud looks at him, then at the big number on the wall behind him. 49. Should be about right. "I'm here to die," Cloud says. "And see Sephiroth."

There's a moment of silence as the black haired guy looks at him. Then he looks at the baby in his arms, with its signature silver hair. "Oh," he says in slow realization. "Yeah, I see it. You're in the wrong floor, though – the offices are on floor 51. Or if you're looking for his actual rooms, those are on floor 50."

"Right," Cloud says and turns around to get back to the elevator.

"You need a key card with right authorization!" the black haired guy shouts after him.

"Right," Cloud says and stops, frowning. He doesn't have key card with the right authorization for floors above 30. "Where can I get that?"

The black haired guy considers him and then hops to his feet. "Tell you what, I'll come with you," he says and flashes his key card. "Save you the trouble."

"Thanks," Cloud says and, rather belatedly, it comes to him that he's talking to a SOLDIER. "Sir. Thanks, Sir. Sorry, Sir. I'd salute you but my hands are full."

"Stop," The SOLDIER laughs and pats his shoulder as he walks past him. "You're going to your doom, man; I think you get a free pass on the _yes sirring_ and saluting."

"Yeah, okay," Cloud says, though usually he'd argue because _chain of command_ and _respect_ is the corner stone of infantry according to his superior officer – except his superior officer is up in the wind now, pending on whoever signs his Missing Personnel file.

The SOLDIER steps into the elevator and Cloud steps after him, idly rocking the baby in his arms. The SOLDIER flashes his key card on the reader and then punches in level 51. "So," he says, crossing his hands behind his head and looking at Cloud with interest. "Where did the baby come from?"

"The laboratories," Cloud answers.

"Makes sense," he agrees, looking at him, at the baby. "That why Sephiroth stalked in like bat outta hell before?"

"Probably," Cloud agrees.

"You're a brave man, trooper," the SOLDIER says, shaking his head. "I've seen Sephiroth pissed like that before, no one gets in his way when he's pissed like that."

Cloud silently recites prayer for himself and for his poor nameless child who would soon die a terrible, but hopefully quick, death. Sephiroth has a huge sword, after all, it should be quick. God he hopes it's quick. "Maybe I should've just ran away," Cloud says slowly. "Like, to another continent. I'm from the Western Continent; I could've just... ran back there."

"Too late now," The SOLDIER says with apologetic cheerfulness, and the elevator doors open before them, revealing yet another grey steel corridor with grey steel floors and ceilings, and big black number proclaiming it to be LEVEL 51.

"Come on," the SOLDIER says and waves him in. "I'll show you to the Commanders' offices."

"Kind of you," Cloud says, his tone like that of a dead man, and follows him in.

The Commanders' Office is, sadly, not far. While Cloud stands by, rocking the sleeping baby and wondering about the briefness of life and the abruptness of mortality, the SOLDIER barges in cheerfully and calls in, "Hello, Sirs! There's a dead trooper here to see you!"

"What? Zack, I've told you not to just barge in here," someone says inside, admonishing and a little exasperated but warm and friendly and Cloud wishes dearly it was this guy whose baby he was holding because he sounds nice and not like someone who would kill him, no questions asked. "Keep doing this and I will revoke your level 51 privileges."

"Hey, this time I have a very good and very important reason," the black haired SOLDIER says, not sounding in the least contrite, and then he has Cloud by the shoulder and is tugging him into the office. "This is, uh, what's your name, man?"

"Cloud," the dead man says.

"This is Cloud, he has something for Sephiroth," SOLDIER Zack says cheerfully.

And then Cloud is in an office with what looks like the Most Famous SOLDIERS Ever. There's Angeal Hewley, sitting behind a desk, looking a little surprised – he's somehow even _bigger_ in real life than he look's in the broadcasts. There's Genesis Rhaphsodos, complete with red leather coat and perfectly arranged hair and face like a super model. And there is Sephiroth who is lying on a couch, turning to face him, propping his head up with his elbow on the couch cushions, putting his torso at an angle with his hips that gives him a _shape_ that is just completely unfair, and his hair is spilling everywhere, long and luxurious and just glowing in the light of the fluorescent lamps above them.

Cloud swallows, his mouth watering.

That is just not legal. It can't be.

"Ah," Hewley says slowly, staring at Cloud with his eyebrows climbing higher and higher. He stands up slowly, looking like he wants to say something, but then he doesn't, frowning instead.

"Yep, yep," SOLDIER Zack says, gleeful, and Cloud back-pedals on his first impression of him being nice.

"Holy _shit_ ," Rhapsodos says, his eyes widening and grin slowly spreading on his pretty face, growing wide, wider, terrifying. He actually vaults over an armchair between him and Cloud and then he's there, right up in Cloud's face, staring down with a gleeful delight. "Well, well, Sephiroth! You dog! I didn't know you had it in you!"

"I didn't," Sephiroth growls, as if it isn't enough that he's just lying there, all fantasy like. "It's a fucking test tube baby, I had nothing to do with it."

Rhapsodos grins wider, somehow. He then makes to touch the silver haired baby, looking like all of his wishes have come true and he can use all of them for all sorts of nefarious purposes.

 _Danger_ screams Cloud's Sudden Overwhelming Parental Instincts, as Genesis Rhapsodos – _the Crimson General, SOLDIER 1st Class_ – pokes the sleeping baby's cheek.

And then Cloud, who's on the verge of some sort of mental breakdown now, punches him in the face.


	2. Chapter 2

For a moment there is silence, a perfect beautiful silence where everything is alright in the world and no one is about to die a horrible gruesome death at the hands of a slighted red mage known for vanity over his perfect face, which Cloud just punched. And sure he hadn't made much of an impact there, none actually, it had sort of felt like punching a brick wall and maybe his fingers are broken now, but oh god. He punched it.

"Genesis," Hewley barks as the red haired anthropomorphic personification of Cloud's death _bristles_ and, judging by the sparks and floating cinders, gets ready to murder him.

"Woah, man," SOLDIER Zack says, sounding impressed and horrified. Then he bursts out laughing.

"You," Rhapsodos says, bristling. Cloud thinks his hair is maybe floating – or maybe it's all the hair products. It kind of looks like it's floating. "You just struck a superior officer. It is my right to actually kill you now."

"You poked my baby," Cloud says, because he's insane and now his inside-head-voice is getting outside and maybe it doesn't matter because he's really about to die. Too late now and besides, _Genesis poked his baby_. "Touch my baby again and I will punch you again."

His hand throbs in pain in the ensuing silence, which is not really silence because SOLDIER Zack is still laughing, only louder than before.

Then, like merciful angel he probably is, Commander Hewley is there, his hand casually wrapping around Rhapsodos' wrist and pulling it back. "Right, how about we step back a little, and be reasonable," he says, and pushes Rhapsodos behind him in a way which is probably meant to protect Cloud from the red head's wrath, but actually kind of looks the opposite, hilariously enough.

"What's your name, trooper?" Hewley asks almost kindly and Cloud loves him a bit.

"Cloud Strife," Cloud says and thrusts the Missing Person Disappearance paper at him. "I've been transferred to someone."

Hewley looks at the paper and Cloud ends up looking past him at Rhapsodos who is now staring at him with narrowed eyes as he touches the cheek Cloud had assaulted. He looks insulted now which really isn't much of an improvement.

The only improvement here really is the fact that Sephiroth no longer looks irritated and like he's about to eat people for breakfast – he is looking at them with one perfect silver eyebrow arched at perfect angle, and he seems amused. At last, Cloud is amusing to him.

This day is going great.

"Right," Hewley says, and steps back, not so subtly pushing Rhapsodos back with his body as he does. He hands the paper to Sephiroth. Sephiroth stares at it for a long, tense, awkward while, before sighing and accepting it like it's something unpleasant and probably dirty.

Cloud looks up at the ceiling. He's not sure if god is on his side or not, because he's not dead yet – and yet he's still here, which is maybe worse. And then he looks down.

Thankfully the baby hadn't been woken up by the commotion, and even SOLDIER Zack's laughter doesn't seem enough to disturb it. Small mercies.

Cloud stares at the baby a little more and then adjusts the sheets again to cover up the fact that his knees are turning into puddle and he kind of loves the little object of his doom even more.

"Right," Sephiroth says and then rolls over to lie on his back, hair everywhere, the papers held aloft above his head on his long, outstretched arms. He'd look like a kid, if he didn't also look like _Sephiroth_. "I am not sighing this."

"Sephiroth," Hewley says, very calm and reasonable and actually angelic. "That is your child, is it not?"

"It is not," Sephiroth says, dismissive, and lets the transfer paper fall. It floats gentle and weightless and utterly insignificant to the floor, as if Cloud's whole life isn't riding on its flimsy dead-tree-material. "And I refuse to have anything to do with it."

Hewley's silence is judgemental and censorious and very heavy, but apparently General Sephiroth can sulk with the best of them, and is utterly immune to all of it. Finally, Hewley sighs.

"I can sign it," Rhapsodos says and leers at Cloud. "I'm sure me and the trooper and the little hellion will have grand old time."

"I will murder you in your sleep," Cloud promises him.

That makes Rhapsodos just leer harder at him.

Hewley is the one who picks the paper up, however. He looks it over again and sighs again and then turns to Cloud, looking him over. Cloud smothers the urge to turn away, to protect the sleeping baby with his body.

"Let's adopt him, Angeal," SOLDIER Zack says, finally able to breathe again, though he's still giggling a little when ever he looks at Cloud. "Come on, I like him, he's got spunk."

"Hmm," Hewley says, noncommittal. Then he looks at Sephiroth again. Sephiroth looks like he wants to flip him the finger, though that's probably beneath his dignity.

Cloud is starting to realize that 75% of all SOLDIER are actual children. And then he sees a vision in his mind, of his future – if he would even survive being near these actual children, with his poor innocent baby, they'd either infect his baby with their complete lack of any sort of adult like qualities... or he'd end up becoming their parent too.

His Overwhelming Parental Instincts rear their head and then tell him, with no room for error, that He Has Priorities and though Sephiroth is Hot As Sin, he's grown ass man and Cloud is not going to take charge of him too, period, he doesn't have the time or the energy and isn't paid enough for that shit.

"You know what," he says. "How about I sign my own paper, and get the hell out of here?"

"Perfect idea," Sephiroth says, before Hewley can object, and rolls to his feet on one fluid motion that doesn't seem quite human. He snatches the paper from Hewley's fingers and strides over to Cloud, getting a pen from somewhere and then all but slamming the paper in Cloud's face.

Cloud signs it and then Sephiroth signs it after him, giving it Ultimate Authorization and no way in hell would anyone ever dispute it now because it has Sephiroth's signature on it, right under Cloud's. Holy shit.

"Now get out, and take the spawn of Satan with you," Sephiroth says. Which kind of makes him Satan, doesn't it?

Cloud is smart enough to not say that out loud, thankfully. It's a near thing though.

Instead he gets out, listening to Hewley complaining somewhere behind him, and Rhapsodos saying something along the lines of going after him and SOLDIER Zack whining about missed opportunities. Cloud doesn't care.

He's just been made his own boss, by Sephiroth.

So yeah, Cloud gets out.

* * *

 

In the following two hours, two things happen in quick succession.

First, Cloud panics in a cleaning closet.

He's not entirely sure how he ended up in the cleaning closet – it might've been the first open door he ran into and then he got in and it was dimly lit enclosed space rather than open corridor of ShinRa HQ, which allotted it a sense of safety. It was a safe place to panic, he thought, and that was what he did.

And then he realised he'd brought his actual infant baby into a goddamn cleaning closet, full of dirty cleaning supplies and dangerous chemicals and then he panics about _that_. Which then led to panicking about everything else to do with the baby because now he has a baby, and paperwork – of sort – to prove it, and now he has to figure out how to take care of the baby, and he doesn't know anything about babies except what he's learned over the course of last forty five minutes – which mainly consists of the fact that Babies Are Actually Cute.

So he panics a _lot_ in a cleaning closet.

He's still panicking a bit when he gets out of the closet, really, but reality is coming back to him and the reality of the situation is more serious than his need to hide and panic. Reality being that he has a baby to take care off.

The second thing is that he takes care of it, because Mama Strife didn't raise a fool. She raised a mama's boy. And that's how Cloud takes care of it.

He finds a phone, and calls his mother.

"Ma, I got a baby," is the first thing Cloud says to his mother in about six months.

"I knew it," she answers with the sort of flat fatalism of someone who has been completely convinced of his good looks and charm and that he'd end up getting some poor girl – in her estimation, the Mayor's daughter like that's a reasonable realistic thing to happen - pregnant out of wedlock before long.

"What do I do with the baby?" Cloud asks, ignoring the history of twisted faith and weird misconceptions.

"Is abortion an option?" Skye Strife asks calmly.

Cloud looks down at the baby. The baby is scrunching its little nose in sleep and Cloud makes a helpless sound. "No, not really," he says. "It's kind of... here. In my lap. Sleeping."

"Right," she answers. "Do you have any money?"

Cloud thinks about it. He blew his last pay on a bar, like any reasonably stressed trooper with low life expectancy should. "Not really," Cloud says and then looks down at the paper he's still holding. Which gives him ultimate authority over himself, and is enforced by General Sephiroth's signature. "But I can probably get some."

"Good, because I don't have any to send to you safely, and you have some shopping to do," Skye Strife says. "Now get pen and paper and write this all down."

It's a long list of clothing, food, hygiene supplies and whatnot. Cloud writes it all down with single minded determination of a man at crossroads with his life, or rather hanging on a cliff, knowing it's his last lifeline. But mama Strife comes through. Mama Strife always comes through.

"Got it all?" she asks.

"Yeah, I got it all," Cloud says, looking at the list of about twenty items he needs to get, most he needs to get multiples of. "I have no idea how I'm going to get this all though, or where I am going to keep it. I don't exactly have a place."

"Well, you will get a place then," she says simply, because in her world it's just that simple. She's never been to Midgar, she has no idea how expensive everything is. "Now, does my grandchild have a name and a sex?"

"Er," Cloud answers. "Lemme check."

He supports the receiver against his ear with his shoulder and then, his head at an awkward angle, wrangles the sheet open a little around his baby. "It's a boy," he says. "I gotta get back to you on the name though."

"A grandson," Skye says and she's quiet for a moment. Cloud can almost imagine it, her face. She's lot like him – when she freaks out, she does it silently, but her eyes go wide and shiny and it probably looks a lot like how he looks like right now.

"I have a _grandson_ ," Skye says again, and now her voice trembles a little.

"I have a _son_ ," Cloud answers, and his voice is trembling _a lot_. And sure the baby's actually General Sephiroth's son, but General Sephiroth didn't want him, and Cloud did, and Cloud would now probably try and murder anyone who tried to tell him he couldn't have him.

They freak out together for a moment, Cloud staring at his baby and listening to his mother blubber on the phone.

Then, once the freak out has been given appropriate time to run it's course, they get back to business. "Get all of it, get a place to live, and call back to me," Skye says. "And if you got any money left, get a camera and start taking pictures. I want copies within the week."

"Yes, Ma," Cloud answers.

* * *

 

The paper is a weapon, Cloud soon figures out, an insanely powerful one. He takes it first to his superior officer – who goes a little wide eyed at the sight of him with a baby, and then a lot wide eyed at the sight of the paper, with that signature, the one signature no one was insane enough to fake.

"You need to go to depot," his superior finally says, looking between him and the kid and the kid's silver hair and putting 3 together like a champ. The oh-shit realization is starting to be kind of familiar now. "You can get what you need from there."

"Thanks, sir," Cloud says.

"Strife? Good luck," his superior says, in tones of a man sending another man to his potential gruesome death. Cloud would know – this man has done that to him before.

"Thanks, sir," Cloud says again, appreciating it.

At the ShinRa Military Depot, they're a bit more pragmatic about it. They take a look at the paper, then at Cloud – they too put 3 together fast and snappy, though they look a little less freaked out about it. Probably because these guys are the same ones who supply the SOLDIER with their stuff too, and that's probably on its own level.

"Right," says the brisk looking woman, whose name tag announces that she is called Tina and she's happy to help him. "What do you need?"

Cloud hands her the list. She reads it slowly once, then again. "Right, wait for a moment, please," she says and turns to her terminal. "I can get you a two bedroom flat on floor 35," she then says. "Formerly owned by one of the President's assistants – it's not luxurious but it should do."

"Right, okay," Cloud says, a little wide eyed.

"I'll have it supplied with food within next two hours," Tina adds. "The rest will take longer, we don't exactly have baby items on stock here at ShinRa Military Depot. You should have them within four hours at latest.

"Right, okay," Cloud says again, shaking his head.

Tina looks at him, looks at the baby, looks at the paper and makes a thoughtful face. "Now, what sort of monthly allotment do you think you'll need?"

Cloud thinks, holy shit, he can still have actual pay.

Then he thinks, holy shit, Ultimate Authority over himself because Sephiroth had made him the Boss of himself, he can _name_ his own pay.

Then he thinks, with apartment and everything supplied to him by SMD, I don't need that much.

Then he thinks, well fuck that.

"What's the highest pay you can give me?" Cloud asks.

Tina looks at him, then at the baby, and he knows suddenly that she too has kids. She smiles. "Good man," she says and turns back to his terminal.

* * *

 

The apartment Tina got him – Tina, who is awesome and his favourite and if she's up to it he might name her the baby's godmother because she is an actual fairy tale sorceress with magical powers – is not that big, in grand scheme of things. Skye Strife's little house in Nibelheim is bigger.

In grand scheme of world geography, he could've gotten a bigger house anywhere.

In Midgar scheme of things, though, Cloud is now filthy fucking rich. In Midgar scheme of things, he now lives in a two bedroom flat literally in the dead centre of Midgar. It is a two bedroom flat in actual ShinRa HQ.

He's now up there with the Wealthy and Powerful of Midgar. Like, he could go to the Annual ShinRa Ball if he wanted to. Holy shit.

Cloud spends a moment, a beautiful shining moment, basking on his sudden wealth.

Then reality catches him up again as his Baby wakes up and starts to cry. Because he soiled himself. And the sheet. Which is all Cloud currently has to give him.

Cloud stares at the crying, writhing baby in his arms, and he's not rich anymore – he's a new parent. And his baby is crying. And he has no idea what he's doing. Fuck.

He walks out of his apartment and into the hall of floor 35 and grabs the phone there, dialling one handed while the baby cries.

"Baby shat himself, what do I do?" he asks his mother.

"Okay. Do you have the things?" she asks briskly.

"No, but I got an apartment."

"Bathroom?"

"With a tub and everything," Cloud agrees while the baby wails in his ear, harder.

"Towels?"

"Probably," Cloud says, now frowning – he hadn't really checked.

"Alright," Skye says. "Take my Grandson, to the bathroom, get some towels and give him a bath – and then get the things."

"Things are being delivered, eventually," Cloud says helpfully. "By ShinRa Infantry Depot."

Skye is quiet for moment, digesting that. "Cloud, honey, the apple of my eye, the shining fluff of my deep blue sky," she says very slowly and very seriously. "Whose baby, exactly, do you have there?"

"General Sephiroth's," Cloud answers, very earnestly, because when his mother is serious, it's serious business.

She's quiet for a moment longer, digesting _that_. It kind of sounds like it might be giving her indigestion. "Right," she says, sounding like she's steeling herself. "Right, okay. I can... right. Okay. Go give General Sephiroth's baby a bath now. Don't fill the whole tub – just enough on the bottom to splash about, not enough to drown in. Don't make it too hot, about skin temperature will do. Don't use soap. Be gentle. Don't leave him alone for an instant. Wash him thoroughly."

"Right," Cloud says. "I can do that."

"And Cloud?"

"Yeah, Ma?"

"Kick Sephiroth on the balls for me when you see him."

"Er," Cloud says, imagining it and then wincing. "No."

She tsks. "Fine," she says. "Go give my Grandson a bath now."

"Okay," Cloud says. "Bye Ma."

"See you soon, honey," she says, and hangs up on him.

Cloud looks at the phone, feeling a sudden chill going down his spine.

Then the baby whimpers and he has more important things to do.

* * *

 

Giving his baby a bath is the best thing Cloud has ever done. Sure, he ended up wet and cold afterwards – next time, he'll strip before hand and also in hind sight he really needs some new clothes himself – but still. Baby in a bath.

Cutest thing ever.

"There, that's not bad, is it?" Cloud asks, while gently supporting the baby's head with one hand, and with other washing away the stains in his little legs. It's a little awkward at first – and then he ends up getting into the tub himself, hence the getting wet and miserable. But the baby, after initial suspicion and whining and little bit of crying, eventually decides he likes water. He likes water a lot.

He especially likes splashing the water around, a lot.

So, Cloud resigns himself to getting wet and eventually cold and miserable, and to touching baby poop – which isn't that bad, considering all stuff he's had to touch on battle fields. Baby poop is tame and cute in comparison to wading through sewers, really.

They end up splashing about in the tub bit longer than they probably need to, after the baby's been washed and Cloud has rinsed the tub and added some more water. It's fun, and after wards Cloud gets to wrap the baby in fluffy clean towels, much to both their delight.

By the time the SMD people come with all of his stuff, Cloud is soaked through and the baby is happily cocooned in towels.

"Er," they say at the sight of him leaving puddles everywhere. "We're here with the things."

"Awesome, bring the things in," Cloud says and waves them in.

The things consist of several boxes and bags worth of stuff. There are about three boxes of brand new baby clothes – thank you Actual Fairy Godmother Tina – another box worth of several packets of diapers, along with all of the ointments and powders and everything else and Cloud is beyond happy to find that they all come with instructions on the sight.

Bless modern era with its instructions on the use of _everything_.

Then there are baby cleaning supplies and baby toys, and crib which the SMD people just up and set up in the middle of the living room while Cloud watched in mingled delight and relief. The world is a good place, Cloud thinks. Human experimentation might be a thing and there's a war on and whatnot – but there are also efficient professional people who know how to set up a crib and do it without being told to and isn't that just awesome.

He loves them all a little. He loves Tina. Tina is awesome. He needs to take her flowers or something.

"I've put all the food away," says one of the SMD people, a young man with short hair and atrocious moustache. "You need anything else?"

"I love you," Cloud says very earnestly.

"Er," he answers, and backs away a step. "Thanks man. But do you need anything else?"

"Yeah, I think I'm all set," Cloud says, beaming at him, because he is awesome and put all the food away and now Cloud doesn't have to.

Then they all leave and Cloud is alone with his baby in his new rich-people apartment, which is now fully equipped with everything he needs. And somewhere General Genesis might be plotting for his murder and General Sephiroth wants nothing to do with him or his baby, and Professor Hojo is a horrible, horrible person who makes babies out of nothing. But for now, Cloud is all set, and he has his baby, and everything is good.

"Well then," he says, grinning widely, and looks down at his baby. "How about we explore our new things a bit and then maybe get ourselves something to eat, hm?"

And thank god, the food too comes with instructions. Modern age is awesome.

* * *

 

Cloud is wrangling with a diaper, trying to figure out which way it goes on, when someone flounces into his apartment – and then out again before he can check to see who the hell it even was.

"Right," Cloud says, half broken diaper in hand and half asleep baby held against his chest, as he checks the door. The someone left it ajar. "Right," he says again, and then goes to get himself a kitchen knife.

When Sephiroth flounces in again, carrying a couch of all things, Cloud almost stabs him.

"What?" Cloud asks flatly.

The silver haired general glares at him. And he's actually got a couch on his shoulder, carrying it like it weights nothing – it probably doesn't, to him – and he's glaring at Cloud like it's _Cloud's_ fault he's ridiculous.

"Angeal," Sephiroth answers, like that explains anything, and drops the couch in the middle of Cloud's new living room. It looks like the couch from the Commanders' Offices, Cloud thinks absently.

It's _definitely_ the couch from the Commanders' offices, Cloud then decides, as Sephiroth throws himself on it in dramatic, bohemian sprawl, throwing an arm over his eyes like life is pain and then pretending to ignore Cloud's very existence.

"Hmm," Cloud hums, noncommittal, watching him with a frown. He used to admire this man, he thinks. He used to admire him a lot.

"Shut up," Sephiroth answers irritably.

Cloud eyes him. Then he looks down at the baby in his arms, who is now chewing on his thankfully slightly drier uniform jacket. And then Cloud looks at the knife in his hand, thinking back to his mother's order to kick Sephiroth in the balls. "Hmm," he hums again.

"Shut _up_ ," Sephiroth says again, even more irritable. Like Cloud is the one being a nuisance, invading his privacy.

Right then.

Cloud grips the knife tighter and walks over.

And then he drives the kitchen knife into the pillow next to Sephiroth's head.

Sephiroth lifts his arm to look at him incredulously and Cloud meets his eyes. "Sir, General. Get the fuck out of my apartment," he says.

Sephiroth glares at him, and then at the baby and then back at Cloud. "No," he says and actually folds his arms, even as he lies there, under Cloud, with a knife imbedded in the pillow next to him. "And you can't make me."

Wonderful, Cloud thinks. Just wonderful.

Then he grabs the knife again.


	3. Chapter 3

In the course of that day, Cloud learns some things.

First, suspicious pieces of paper with the right signatures give you actual superpowers.

Second, how to wash a baby, thank you Ma.

Third, how nappies work and which way they go and that after initial grumblings, the baby doesn't mind them. When accidents happen, they are greatly preferable to sheets.

Fourth, Sephiroth is actually insane.

Fifth, his hair doesn't have the same super powers that the rest of his body has.

In the end, Cloud is left holding a strand of silver hair in his grip as Sephiroth finally vacates the now liberally slashed up couch and gets the hell out of Cloud's apartment. The man does it with great deal of glaring all the while pretending that obviously it's his choice to go because obviously there is nothing Cloud could ever do to force him.

"You'll pay for that," are Sephiroth's final words to him, because he's an actual playground bully, apparently.

"Mm-hmm," Cloud hums after him, looking between the couch he ruined his brand new kitchen knife on, and the finger thick wad of silver hair he's holding.

He could probably sell it for good bit of money in the Silver Elite.

Baby, in the mean while, has fallen asleep. Apparently acts of violence were tiring for the poor thing, and now he hangs listless in Cloud's arms, little breaths puffing against Cloud's neck. Cloud spends a moment cooing over how cute he is.

Then he drags the crib the SMD had constructed for him into the room he's decided is his bedroom, and sets the baby down to the sleep.

As for the hair – that he keeps.

And that's how Cloud's first day as brand new parent goes. Considering the stories his mother told him about the day he was born, he's doing pretty well for himself.

* * *

 

The next morning Cloud wakes up to find a Turk in his apartment, standing there like he'd just teleported in because doors and knocking and manners were for scrubs.

"Good morning, Mr. Strife," the Turk starts to speak to him, as Cloud stands by the doorway, baby in his arms. Then the Turk stops speaking, staring at him, blinking. "Ah," he then says, with the weight of multiple realizations all on top of each other.

Cloud arches an eyebrow at the man. He's tired and grumpy and not in his best – actually, all he is currently wearing is a set of underwear and bed hair sticking every which way. And unlike he'd been expecting, the baby didn't wake him up during the night, but that's only because Cloud didn't sleep at all. He'd ended up spending the night leaning onto the crib and just staring at the infant, fearing he might stop breathing during the night.

Apparently that's normal, though.

The Turk clears his throat and adjusts his tie, even as his eyes flicker between Cloud, the silver haired baby – and the _extremely_ long strand of silver hair Cloud had woven into his own hair, just on the right side of his face. Even braided, it reaches his waist.

After all, when you got it, _flaunt it_.

"I believe there is some sort of misconception here," the Turk says and clears his throat again. "But just to be certain; you did not fake the General's signature and aren't embezzling company funds?"

Cloud stares at him. In any other circumstances he would've found the man to be rather pretty, with his long dark hair on ponytail, and Wutaian looks – rare sight in ShinRa. But the man is in his apartment, and has been there for a while without Cloud realizing it.

"Right," Cloud says and goes for the kitchen knife.

* * *

 

After that bit of excitement is over and the Turk's has disappeared into the aether he came from, Cloud has a slightly more pleasant morning with the baby. They tackle morning rituals together and make a mess of the bathroom, and then they tackle breakfast and make mess of the kitchen. While the baby feeds from the bottle and Cloud takes occasional bites of slightly burnt toast, Cloud makes mental list of things he needs.

Table for the bathroom for better diaper change operations. Some clothes for himself because all he has are his trooper uniforms and they are a bit awkward with a baby. Better footwear too. Stuff to carry the baby in. A pram maybe?

"You know what this means?" Cloud asks the baby. "We're gonna go see Fairy Godmother Tina!"

And that's what he does, as soon as the baby is finished drinking his milk and starts rejecting the teat with little nose scrunched up in displeasure and making little _nah-nah_ sounds of objection.

Somehow, Cloud falls a little deeper in love. It's starting to be a bit embarrassing.

He ignores it, and instead goes about dressing his baby up. Actual Fairy Godmother Tina supplied him with the best baby clothes, thankfully – or maybe the worst. Because the first thing Cloud runs into is a teeny tiny bodysuit with a hood that has bunny ears and seeing his baby in it might actually kill Cloud _dead_.

It doesn't, but it's a near thing.

* * *

 

Actual Fairy Godmother Tina takes a look at his baby, and smiles a very self satisfied smile. Then she sees the braid on Cloud's hair, and arches her eyebrow.

"Sephiroth broke into the apartment. I broke him out," Cloud shrugs while rocking his crumbling baby in his arms. The baby's been grumpy and discontented for a while now, breaking out into awkward hiccups and cries and even going up and down on the elevator a few times hadn't helped."

"... ah," she says and leans back a little, eyeing him as both her eyebrows climb up. "Well then. What can I do for you today?"

"First, I need some flowers," Cloud says, patting the baby's back and rocking in place. "I don't know anything about flowers, so get something you like."

"... You want flowers in Midgar?" Tina asks, flatly. "Do you have any idea how expensive it is to have flowers delivered in Midgar?"

"Oh, right, this place is a metal and rust jungle," Cloud mutters. Shoot. "Are you sure there aren't any people who grow flowers here? Because I swear I've seen flowers in Midgar?"

"Well, I guess I can look into it," she agrees, somewhat dubiously. "No promises though. Do you need anything else?"

Cloud hands her his new list, which basically consists just of the table for the bathroom for baby changing operations, and something to carry and push the baby around in.

"Alright, a carrier and a pram and a baby care table, got it," Tina says, turning to her terminal. "You'll have them inside three hours."

"Awesome. Also, is there a form for choosing godparents?" Cloud asks, looking down at the baby. He has tears in his eyes and is making a terrible face at him.

"Yes," She agrees and then prints it out.

Cloud looks over it – it's a ShinRa form, so short, succinct and to the point. He signs it and then holds it out for her. "Sign here."

Tina arches her eyebrow at him, and then looks at the baby. "Hmm," she answers. "That's a world of trouble right there and I'm not sure I'd like to be in charge of it in case you get disappeared."

"No worries, I'll name my Ma the actual stand in parent in case of my mysterious disappearance," Cloud assures her. "I just want you for your magical powers of equipment procurement."

"Fair enough," she agrees and signs. "Now give him here," she says and holds out her hands.

Cloud hesitates. "If anything happens to this baby, I will kill you and everyone in this tower," he says slowly. "I might not succeed but I will make a very good attempt."

Tina doesn't seem very impressed with that. "If I am going to be this child's godparent, I will damn well get to hold him from time to time" she says.

Cloud dithers for a moment.

"I'll get you a PHS and baby monitor," she wheedles. "And more cute jumpsuits – I found one that has one with cat ears and tail."

"Sold," Cloud agrees. Still, it's like ripping out a piece of him to hand the baby over, and once the transfer is done Cloud looms like gargoyle over Tina, watching her every move with his baby very carefully.

"Well hello there," she says to the baby, who looks up at her with suspicion and sniffles. "Oh you got our pa's looks, don't you? Now let's see about that air in your belly," she says and then, grabbing a napkin from somewhere, puts it on her shoulder and sets the baby against it.

In few gentle bounces, she has the baby burping.

"There you go," she says and pats the baby's back. "There's a good boy. Now you," she points a finger at Cloud. "Take lesson and _burp_ him after feeding him. Babies have such small insides that even little bit of air is uncomfortable. So you burp him after feeding him. Got it?"

"Yes, ma'am," Cloud says as he stares at her in _awe_ while his baby settles down with a little hiccup and finally stops sniffling. Best Fairy Godmother _Ever_.

* * *

 

Sephiroth comes to his apartment again later that morning – this time with his hair braided and keeping it well away from Cloud or his now semi permanent knife.

He comes with gifts, which is bit of a surprise.

"Angeal," he explains, again. "And also Genesis."

"Right," Cloud answers, resting one hand on his hip and glancing at his baby just to make sure he's well to the side and safe from all the pointy objects. He is – he's happily dozing in a sitter thing, lazily batting at string of soft toys hung above his head.

Sephiroth brought him blades.

A lot of blades.

A veritable horde of daggers and swords and rapiers, which now lay on the couch Cloud slashed up into ruin the previous day. Some of them look ShinRa issue – others look custom made. Some of them, like the Wutaian katana which had gotten half embedded in the couch cushions when Sephiroth had just dropped the whole bunch there, looks like a collector items.

Cloud clears his throat and then looks up at Sephiroth. Sephiroth shifts his footing, looking defensive and stubborn.

"You brought bunch of pointy, dangerous objects," Cloud clarifies slowly. "Into my apartment, which houses an infant child."

Sephiroth frowns. "You like pointy things," he says and glances at the couch – which Cloud had slashed up, with a pointy things. "You're fairly good at pointy things."

"Well," Cloud says slowly. "You're not wrong. But still. You brought an armful of _swords_ and _knifes_ into my apartment, where there is a helpless infant child, which will one day soon be crawling around and getting into trouble and probably touching all the pointy dangerous objects. Do you not see the problem here?"

Sephiroth obviously doesn't. "I can take them away again," he mutters, irritable.

"Don't you dare touch my pointy objects."

* * *

 

Next thing he requisitions from Actual Fairy Godmother Tina is a weapons display case – several in fact. When he tells her why, she sends it to him in parts and Cloud makes Sephiroth set it up.

"Call it a character building exercise," Cloud says, sitting back with baby in his lap and bottle of milk in hand, while Sephiroth sits cross legged on the floor, glaring at the building instructions.

"These do not make _any_ sense," Sephiroth complains, eying the instructions like he is trying to set them on fire. "What is this diagram even supposed to be?"

"I'm sure you'll figure it out once you've thought about it a bit," Cloud says and then looks up as someone knocks on his door, meekly.

It's the Turk with the pretty face and ponytail and tilak on his forehead.

He looks into the apartment, eying the mess of torn cardboard, cabinet parts, and Sephiroth sitting in middle of it with his hair done up in a braid. "Ah," he says, again with the weigh of multiple realizations and then he frowns. "Interesting."

"Lemme get my knife," Cloud answers.

"No need," The Turk says and hands him something. "Your new identification and key cards, Mr. Strife."

Cloud accepts the two slips of plastic. The key card gives him access to almost every level of the ShinRa HQ – barring the topmost levels. The Identification names him Cloud Strife, and on the place of his job title there is written a Very Important Person.

It actually spells the words out. Cloud's job is now, Turk certified and everything, _a Very Important Person_.

"Huh," Cloud says while Sephiroth mutters a curse somewhere behind him and, judging by the sound of it, tears the building instructions apart.

"Quite," the Turk says. "Please keep it with you at all times and if any ShinRa employee gives you any trouble, please show it to them. Also here," he hands Cloud another card, this one made of cardboard, which is black on one side, and only has a phone number on the other. "My name is Tseng and this is my private PHS. If you need anything, please feel free to call me at any time."

"Uh-huh," Cloud says, lifting his baby higher against his chest and turning the card in his hand. "Does this mean I can now disappear people?"

"It is a privilege you should not abuse," the Turk says, glancing past Cloud's shoulder and arching an eyebrow at something Sephiroth is doing.

Cloud glances back. "You're doing that wrong," he says.

"Shut up," Sephiroth answers, as he tries to fit together two parts that do not fit together.

The Turk clears his throat. "Now, is there anything I can do for you, Mr. Strife?"

Cloud flips the cards in his hand and then shrugs. "Help the idiot put together my weapons cabinet," he says.

"I heard that," Sephiroth mutters.

"You were meant to," Cloud says sweetly and turns to get back inside. The Turk hesitates at the doorway for a moment while Cloud sits down on his slashed up couch – because it is now his, doesn't matter if Sephiroth brought it in for himself, he left it in Cloud's apartment and so it is now his. Cloud is already planning to stitch it up and display it as his victory over the Silver General.

The Turk eventually gets inside and then, while Cloud goes back to feeding his grumbling baby, he and Sephiroth fail at constructing a ShinRa cabinet.

* * *

 

Later that evening, Rufus Shinra walks into Cloud's apartment like he owns the place. And he, theoretically, might actually own the place – or will own the place when his father kicks the bucket, which ever – but it's still Cloud's place.

"Hello," Cloud says to the posh man in a posh suit with his golden hair done up in posh hairdo. "Would you like to see my weapons collection? Sephiroth gave them to me. Isn't he sweet?"

Rufus Shinra goes a little green around the gills, as he sees the, thankfully now fully constructed, weapons display case. It's large, has it's own lights inside the window, and it also has about dozen varying sized swords and daggers on display.

The man clears his throat. "Quite sweet," he agrees, running a hand down the front of his white suit. "I suppose you know how to use all of them."

"You grab them by the handle and stick the pointy end in assholes who invade your home," Cloud says earnestly.

"Right," Rufus Shinra says and clears his throat again.

There is a moment of silence, the only silence breaking it being the baby's sleepy breaths coming from the sitter where he's dozing.

"Was there something you wanted?" Cloud finally asks.

"Just to see," the man says and tries to come up with some sort of spine, though he keeps throwing looks at the weapons display case that are somewhat uneasy. "There are rumours going around the HQ and I just had to see it for myself. The -" he hesitates, looking at Cloud, glancing him up and down. He clears his throat again. "Ahem," he says.

Cloud tilts his head to the side. "Yeah?" he asks mildly, wondering what word the man is trying to swallow.

"Well," Rufus says, looking increasingly uncomfortable. "There are... rumours."

"Yeah?" Cloud says again, even milder.

Rufus clears his throat.

"I'll just see myself out," he says.

Cloud looks after him with idle interest, as the man backs away slowly from him, never letting Cloud out of his sight. Rufus closes the door behind him, very gently, almost silently.

"Huh," Cloud says.

* * *

 

So, rumour has it that Cloud is A, female, B, possibly a whore, C, both of these things and also Sephiroth's, D, Cloud had Sephiroth's baby out of wedlock, E, she's a horrible gold digger using her position for wealth and fame, F, is doing all of the above and also spying the company, G, entirely horrible and manipulative, H....

Cloud leans on Tina's desk, listening her list out the bullet points of the rumours going about him. "Huh," he says, idly rocking his baby in his arms and wondering just how fast word travelled in ShinRa. Or how slow.

In Nibelheim, he would've been all of the above and more inside the very first hour – but then, Nibelheim is both more brutal and a lot smaller.

"Does it bother you?" Tina asks, while filing out requisition forms for a very scared looking office worker who is trying to look everywhere except at _Sephiroth's manipulative gold digger whore_ – and in so doing, looks nowhere but at Cloud.

"Nah," Cloud shrugs. He's been called worse, really. Well, the whore is a new thing, but he's been called whore-son all his life, and that's almost the same thing. "Not really. None of it's true and none of it actually affects me."

"Good man," Tina agrees and smiles sweetly at the office worker. "You've forgotten to file forms 3F and B23, please come back when they are properly filed in."

"But I've been here for two hours already! All I want is more copy paper," the office worker says in obvious desperation.

"Oh, have you? Must be slow time on your offices," Tina says, even sweeter. "I will have to have a word with the assistant manager, about that, don't I – it won't do for ShinRa to be paying full salaries to people just kicking back, doing nothing."

"Hey, now," the office worker says, wheedling.

"3F and B23," Tina says. "Chop chop."

"Well... can't you at least print them for me?"

"Does this look like the printing office to you?"

Cloud looks on curiously as the office worker slouches away, looking dejected. "What did he do?" he asks, glancing at Tina.

"Made remarks where people with brand new godsons could hear it," Tina answers and looks at him. "Is there anything else you need, dear?"

Cloud considers that. There isn't, actually. He's pretty well set. Mostly he just wanted to hear about what people were saying about him that might drive a highly esteemed rich person like Rufus Shinra to invade his apartment. "I want replacement locks for my apartment," Cloud then decides. "Ones that can't be opened with universal key card."

"It will be done inside an hour," Tina promises him. Actual Fairy Godmother.

Cloud beams at her. "Any news on the flower front?" he then asks.

"Nothing yet, but I've put one of the SOLDIER Seconds on it," Tina says calmly. "I'll let you know when I have something."

* * *

 

Later that night, once the excitement has mostly died down and the Turk's now permanently hovering about in the level 35 in a way that has _absolutely nothing_ to do with Cloud's residence there, Cloud sits down and calls his mother on his brand spanking new PHS

"What do you need now, honey?" she asks.

"I'm actually kind of good right now," Cloud says, leaning his head back against the slashed up couch cushions. His baby is freshly fed and fast asleep, his apartment is free of invaders, he has new lock on his door, and every need and requirement he has has been fulfilled. "I'm good, baby is good, and Sephiroth got me a bunch of weapons."

"Oh?" Skye says, her tone both approving and wary.

"Yeah," Cloud agrees. "I have no idea why – apparently his fellow SOLDIERs had something to do with it. Whatever. I got them in a cabinet now," he says and looks at the display case, smiling a little. "It's nice."

Sephiroth is insane and has the social skills of a sullen teenager, but he got Cloud a bunch of swords. The only way he could've done _better_ was if he got the weapons cabinet beforehand and then bundled the swords up with a Ribbon into a bouquet.

"Hmm... well, it's a nice gesture I suppose," his mother says, though she says it the same way she might compliment a dog for doing it's business outside.

"Also, Rufus Shinra barged into my apartment," Cloud says conversationally.

"Hmm," she answers, non-committal.

"Mm-hmm," Cloud says and leans his head back, waiting. She doesn't say anything else, though. "So anyway," he says, letting it go. "Baby names."

"Right," she says. "I have a list here, give me a moment... right, here," she clears her throat while paper rustles on the other side. "Lightning."

"Hmm, no," Cloud says thoughtfully. "It's more of a girl's name."

"Yes, I thought so. Storm?"

"Storm Strife. Doesn't flow quite right."

"Mm-hmm, it is kind of clunky... Thunder," Skye says and then, immediately after, "No, Thunder Strife, that's bit too gimmicky, sounds like comic book. Let's see, let's see..."

Cloud turns his head a bit, to look at the sitter where the baby is sleeping, little tuft of silver hair smushed up against the cushions, and mouth slightly agape. He has a little spit bubble that blows big and then shrinks with each breath.

"Rain," Cloud decides and gets up, walking over and kneeling on the floor beside the sitter. The spit bubble pops as he runs his fingers through the little tuft of silver hair. "Rain Strife."

"Hm. It has a nice flow, I suppose," Skye says thoughtfully. "Or Raine? Maybe Rainn?"

"Just Rain," Cloud says and reaches forward to kiss his baby's forehead. "Rain Strife. My little Raincloud of doom and disaster."

They're quiet for a moment, Cloud running his fingers through the baby fine hair in spirals and making it stand on a little, fluffy spike. He would have probably have straight hair like Sephiroth, perfect and smooth and nothing like the coarse hay of the Strife family.

"Rain Strife," his mother says and sniffles slightly. "It's decided then."

It never once occurs to either of them that Cloud might want Sephiroth's input – but then again, why would it?

"Well, then" Skye says and draws a slightly wet breath. In the background, Cloud can hear a fog horn. "That will be my boat. Are you good, honey, will you be okay? Because I'll be out of range once we get over the ocean, you know how it goes, and I'd hate to leave you hanging."

Cloud lifts his head a little. "I'll be fine," he says, his voice wobbling a little. It's been years since he saw her, and as much as it terrifies him, he can't wait for it either. "Have a safe trip, Ma."

"I'll see you very soon, honey."

 

**Author's Note:**

> Basically rehashing of my snippet number 29 from my Tumbling FFVII, [Accidental Baby Acquisition](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1281526/chapters/14192674) but possibly turned multi chapter and somehow even more cracky? Might end up being Cloud/Sephiroth, though I doubt it because I don't really ship it. Cloud is just generally horny. Other pairings are very possible.


End file.
